My heart...

"So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help."  -- Isaiah 30:18


My heart is hurting today. It's a low day for me. I'm struggling (yet again) with our inability to grow our family without any help. It's a HUGE stumbling block in my faith. Maybe it's because I can't seem to "let go and let God." Maybe it's because my faith is weak. Maybe it's because I know God could allow us to conceive on our own but I'm not completely sure He would. Maybe it's all of that, and more.


"With God’s power working in us, he can do much, much more than anything we can ask or think of." -- Ephesians 3:20


I know Satan wants me to believe that we'll never have another child. I know he wants me to feel hopeless about the whole situation. I know he wants me to fret and whine on and on. He wants me to waste all of my energy pouting and complaining. He wants to distract me from the Promises I've been given. He wants to trivialize the amazing blessings I already have. He wants me to believe that I'm unworthy of God's wonderful plan for me and my precious little family. On His PERFECT plan. He wants me to give up on God's timing. And I want to shut him out and prove him wrong. But right now, on this day, my heart's just not in the fight. I'm weary. 


"Don’t worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks for what you have." -- Philippians 4:6


As I type this, my sweetheart of a child is playing with his toys as he quietly sings a made up song. It's one of my favorite things he does. And earlier, while I made his lunch, he "read" me a story from his Bible. I'm not worthy of him today. He deserves so much better. He deserves a Mama who trusts the Lord to provide every need, and maybe even some wants, every day. He deserves a Mama who is satisfied with him. Only him. I can honestly say that if we never have another child, Joshua will be enough for me. Sometimes I think God put every good thing into Joshua because He knew Josh was our one and only shot. ;) I can't imagine another child as wonderful as Joshua. He really did get all the best parts of us. He is our biggest blessing. But I feel sad about him potentially being an only child. When we're old and ailing, he will have to carry all that entails on his own. I don't want that for him. I selfishly wish for a sibling (or two) for him. 

(I know adoption or fostering is always an option but I have never felt the desire to go that route. Selfish, I know. I think both are wonderful and necessary but I also honestly believe that if the Lord had that planned for us, He would give us that desire. And maybe He will one day.)

So, I will continue to pray that the Lord guides our lives. I'll pray that I ignore all the distractions around me and recognize His hand in all things. I'll work on letting go of my plans and pray that I allow Him to guide me in the way He has planned. I'll give thanks for my precious Joshua. I'll praise Him for all the new babies around me, even when it hurts. I'll rejoice in others' blessings.

"I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with His praise. I live and breathe God; if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy: Join me in spreading the news; together let’s get the word out. God met me more than halfway, He freed me from my anxious fears. Look at Him; give Him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from Him. When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. God's angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray. Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see— how good God is. Blessed are you who run to Him. Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all His goodness. Young lions on the prowl get hungry, but God-seekers are full of God. Come, children, listen closely; I'll give you a lesson in God worship. Who out there has a lust for life? Can't wait each day to come upon beauty? Guard your tongue from profanity, and no more lying through your teeth. Turn your back on sin; do something good. Embrace peace—don't let it get away! God keeps an eye on His friends, His ears pick up every moan and groan. God won't put up with rebels; He’ll cull them from the pack. Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time. He’s your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken. The wicked commit slow suicide; they waste their lives hating the good. God pays for each slave’s freedom; no one who runs to Him loses out. -- Psalm 34 (emphasis mine)