Joshisms

Joshisms:

-- Me: Your feet are nasty!

Joshua: No, they're not!

Me: Yes they are! They're dirty and your toenails need to be cut. 

Joshua: We're hobos. Just say we're hobos. 

-- Joshua has a small Christmas tree in his room that he sometimes uses as a nightlight. He had gone to bed and a few minutes later came out of his room to ask:

Joshua: Mom, can I turn my light on?

Me: What light?

Joshua: *singing* It's Christmas time, it's Christmas time... (referring to the tree)

Me: I don't care. 

David: Just go get your butt back in bed.

Joshua: *as he walks down the hall* Don't be mean, it's Christmas time! 

-- Joshua: What are we having for dinner?

Me: I dont know. What would you like for dinner?

Joshua: That's a gooood question. If I had a beard, I'd be scratching it right now. 

-- Joshua to Bodie: This is my pumpkin, Darla. 

Bodie: *pats the pumpkin*

Joshua: Why are you touching her stem? That’s not appropriate. 

— Me: Go blow your nose, you have a whistle in there.

Joshua: I just gotta rearrange the furniture in there, that’s all. 

— Joshua: I was playing football and B jigged me and then tripped me.

Me: Jigged you??

Joshua: Yea, like went back and forth real fast...break your ankles.

Me: Oh! I know what “break your ankles” is; we used to say that, but Ive never heard of “jigged”. 

Joshua: Well, Mom, it IS 2017...and now we say jigged.

Me: 😑

— Me: Let’s go home and get some hot chocolate!

Joshua: You’ve got me all hyped up, Mama! 

— De va ju

— Today, we watched the snow and Mrs McCarty put on Christmas music and a fireplace. The song was 'It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year' and in my heart, I wanted to cry.

— While listening to John Mayer’s song, Assassin, Joshua asks, “Is he a real assassin or a love assassin?”

— I wish Bob Ross was still alive. I like his hair. 

Joshisms

The face he makes when I ask him to smile a real smile. 

-- As we drove by BB&T: Hey, BB&T! Bank, Butt, & Toot.


-- Joshua, Mama, and I took a trip to Washington DC recently and played the licence plate game on the way. Joshua was in charge of looking for plates we hadn't seen yet. He did great with reading the state names but had trouble with Connecticut. He yelled out, "Conticoot!!"


-- While riding the metro in DC, we happened to get on one of the new trains they're rolling out. It was clean and spacious but someone had left their empty cup from Starbucks behind. It had a woman's name written on it and the straw had lipstick on it.

Mama: Joshua, let's look at the cup and see if we can determine if the person that drank it was a woman or a man.

Joshua: Well, it has a girl's name, so it was a woman.

Mama: How else can we tell it was a woman?

Joshua: Hhmmmm, there's a bloody straw...

Mama: What do women use that men don't use that you see?

Joshua: Lipstick!!


-- Joshua bought a stuffed flamingo from the zoo in DC as a souvenir. I asked him what he was going to name it. He decided on Flamont. Flamont the Flamingo.


-- Joshua: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Me: What does obvious mean?

Joshua: I don't know.

Me: Don't use words you don't know the meaning of. If I say 'The grass is green,' you could say, 'That's obvious.' So what does obvious mean?

Joshua: Duh, we already know that.

Me: You got it.


-- Joshua saw a bin of flip flops for 97 cents each at Wal-mart. As we went by he said, "Oh wow, that's a nice price!"

--Me: Grandmom's surgery was a knee replacement.

Joshua: Replacement?

Me: Yes, they took here old knee out and replaced it with a new one.

Joshua: With WHOSE knee??!!!


-- Joshua correctly used the word "contestants" in a sentence:

David: Where'd you learn that word?

Joshua: Dad, I'm in the THIRD grade!

David: Oh, my bad!

Joshisms

-- After we asked him to stop playing his harmonica: You hate my lovely lullabies! 

-- Baby Ray's, comin' your way! (Sweet Baby Ray's bbq sauce, that is.) 

-- Joshua: Why are there beaches where people are naked?

David: I don't know; it's weird, isn't it?

Joshua: Yea! I'm NEVER going there. 

(I'm holding him to it. 😉)

-- Dad, you get the light saver and I get the nun chucks. Because I'm especially good at the nun chucks. 

-- Tank, lay down! Lay down!! That's sitting; not lay downing!

-- While eating a churro from Havana Dave's: Look at all that sugar! Im gonna get jacked up!

-- I've always wished my Dad was a musician. But Dad can only play the drums a little. Wait, he could play the keyboard....get it? The computer keyboard?! 

-- I think my butt has a date with Mom's lap... (Said the week he was sick and wouldn't let me out of his sight.) 

-- Joshua: The sun's out!

David: Sun's out, guns out!

Joshua: Guns out?

David: You know what that means?

Joshua: No

David: If the sun is out, *makes fist and flexes his arm*...

Joshua: Arm wrestle!!!

Joshisms

It's been a few months since I posted a list of the cute and clever things my kid says. So, to celebrate winter track-out, here's a fresh batch of Joshisms!

-- Wow! That must have been a big peach! (He thought this coconut was a peach pit)

-- Joshua: So, am I gonna go to that other gymnastics class?

Me: She put you on a wait list.

Joshua: What's that?

Me: It means that the class is full so you can't go. But if someone leaves the class, they'll see who is on the wait list and they'll let that person in the class.

Joshua: Oh.

*several minutes later*

Joshua: When she calls, I bet I'll weigh enough.

Me: It doesn't matter how much you weigh; she was asking me about your age, not your weight.

Joshua: I know, but it's a "weight list".

(English is hard, you guys!!)

-- Joshua found a book of knock-knock jokes on the bookshelf the other day and has been bugging us with (bad) jokes every day. He was reading them to me from the other room and after asking me one, I heard him say to himself, "I gotta remember that...", and quietly repeated the joke.

-- Me: Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

Joshua: Yea, maybe.

Me: (thinking he had said 'Yea baby') Don't say that to me! In fact, don't say it to anyone!

Joshua: I didn't say anything!

Me: Yea, baby?!?!

Joshua: NO! I said, 'Yea maybe'...Baby?? That would just be weird!

-- Joshua: Mom, is dinner almost done?

Me: Not quite. The rolls will take about 25 minutes.

Joshua: What else did you make?

Me: Oh, tonight, we feast! I made meatballs, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and rolls.

Joshua: 25 minutes for all that?? It's worth it!

-- While looking at a photo of Mario & Luigi: "Mom, is that Mario and Lemony Slick?"

-- Me: You ready, Freddy?

Joshua: I was always ready! My last name is ready!

-- Joshua; Dad.

David: What?

Joshua: Your butt, b-u-t-t...is ba-ouncy!

-- "Deck the halls of jolly holly..."

-- "You half scared me to death!"

Joshisms

-- Joshua: Snuggle with me!

Me: No, not tonight.

Joshua: But you haven't snuggled with me in years!

-- I took a bad fall at school and bruised my back and butt. I kicked/tripped over Joshua's stool in the kitchen a few days later. 

Me: Ugh!! I'm determined to kill myself this week. It's gonna happen. 

Joshua: Noooo! I don't want you to die. You're too young to die!! 

-- Ooh! Expanded form...I LOVE this! 

-- Joshua had a substitute two days one week. On the way home from school he said, "I hope Mrs L is back tomorrow because I'm over this substitute thing!"

-- We saw a flock of little birds fly over one evening and I wondered out loud where they were going. Joshua piped up, "Maybe they're hibrating. Hibrating? No, hibernating!!"

-- Upon seeing a baby picture of himself:

Joshua: Wow! That must have been a long time ago. 

Me: It was! It was 7 years ago. You were 3 months old. 

Joshua: Oh man, you've had me for a long time! 

-- While reading a book about dinosaurs: Supersaurus wore his shades to school. Yea, he was super....supersaurus! 

-- Joshua: Can we watch "Back To the Future"? 

David: You sure? It's an old movie. Like 30 years old.

Joshua: Is it in black and white?

-- After finally losing all of his loose teeth and being able to bite a sandwich again:

Oh man, I haven't eaten like this in years!!

-- While playing basketball: Airballs are really hard. I've done it like ten times in one game and won!

Joshisms

-- I was trying to talk David into cooking some fried rice and he wasn't having it. I thought I could sway him if Joshua was on my side:

Me: J, do you want some fried rice?

J: No! I don't want dried rice!

-- Joshua went outside to get something from the sandbox but came right back in. I asked if he had changed his mind. He replied, "The chickens are having a girls day over there." (Petrie sometimes chases him, so he avoids her when he's alone.)

-- "I'm gonna help Dad clean out the garage. And when we get done with all that business, I'm gonna play with him."

-- Joshua was playing a game with Grammy and had to draw an item listed on one of the playing cards. His item was a fork. He drew a fork with three tines and then said that because it only had three, it should be called a "thork". 

-- David was talking to a co-worker on the phone about work stuff and was using work jargon, which sounds like greek to us. Joshua looked at me and asked, "How do they know this stuff?"

-- After watching Toy Story 3: "Does Buzz *ever* take his suit off?!"

-- Me: Sing a song from your play to Grammy.

Joshua: One small voice, singing....that's all I've got.

-- Me: Joshua, go get the sunscreen out of my bag, please. 

Joshua: *gets the sunscreen* Mom, you're not 50. You can't use this. It says 50 plus. 

Me: Hah! That's the SPF, not who's allowed to use it. 

-- Mom, can we watch Alice and the Wonderland?

-- This ranch dip is off the line!

-- Me: We have so much to do tomorrow!

Joshua: Like what?

Me: Go through all these old clothes, finish laundry, start packing for the beach...

Joshua: Make a secret plan to steal Dolly...

*looks at Poppa & Grammy* Well, I guess it isn't a secret anymore! 

-- Joshua: *singing* Who, who, who let the dogs out? Now you go, Mom.

Me: Who let the dogs out? We used to sing that in high school because we were the Brunswick Bulldogs. 

Joshua: Bwunsick, Bunswick...I can't say that. Brunsick, Brunsrick, Brunswick...there it is! Brunswick Bulldogs. 

-- Mom, I don't have any flip in my flip flops! Guess they're just flops. 

-- Me: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Joshua: The egg. 

Me: But how did the egg get here if there was no chicken to lay it?

Joshua: The chicken, then!

Me: But how did the chicken get here if there was no egg to hatch from?

Joshua: A mama chicken and a Dada chicken fall in love, and they put their butts together and make an egg and the mama chicken drops it out and it makes more chickens. 

Me: Is that how chickens make more chickens? 

Joshua: I don't know how they do it. I don't know that much about chickens. Just that they peck a lot and they make eggs. 

Joshisms

-- We saw a lizard on our front porch. Joshua screamed, "It's an iguana!"

-- Me: Catch the lizard, Josh!

Joshua: I need a pot!

-- Joshua got a stuffed cat and mouse from our most recent trip to Ikea. He named the mouse "Ratty Mo' Fatty."

-- Joshua: What does the cow say when it's riding it's horse across the road?

Me: I don't know, what does the cow say?

Joshua: "Moo-ha!" 

-- Mom, who do you think is the best in this family? Except for me, who's the best? You or Daddy?

-- Joshua's story at school for this week was Cinderella. He's read it several times and said, "I'm thinking something weird happens because everything disappears at midnight except the shoes." 

-- You know how you have water on your face and then it disappears? It's evaporating. Into a cloud. 

-- Joshua: Dad, you remember that movie we watched about the rocket that goes to space and something happens and they're stuck there but then they come home?

David: Apollo 13?

Joshua: Yes! Can we watch the first one?

-- Joshua: *singing* Bare acessanees

Me: It's "Bare Necessities". 

Joshua: What does necessities mean?

Me: Needs

Joshua: *singing* Bare needs...bare needs. 

-- Angie: Next Sunday is Mother's Day, so you and your Dad need to make a plan for your Mom. Take her breakfast in bed and buy some flowers and she's in charge all day.

Joshua: Can I have breakfast in bed, too?

Angie: Take breakfast to your Mom and then you can all eat in bed together. 

Joshua: Yes!! When is Son's Day?

-- Joshua was talking about something gross and he said, "That gives me the jiggles!" (He meant willies.)

-- I let Joshua scrape the bowl after making cupcakes. I asked, "Best day ever?" He replied, "YOU'RE the best day ever."

-- David: Come look at the moon.

Joshua: Oh wow! It's a crust moon!

Me: A crust?

Joshua: Yea, a crust moon. 

Me: You mean a crescent moon?

Joshua: haha, oh yea, a crescent. 

-- Joshua: Blood is a liquid because it takes the shape of whatever it's in. 

Me: Yes, that's right. How do you know that?!

Joshua: From school!

Me: Are we liquids?

Joshua: No, people are solids. Except Grammy. She's not a solid.

Me: Then what is she?

Joshua: She's a delicate flower!

-- My brother, Robert, and his family came over for dinner the other night. Dude

(as Joshua calls him) was picking on Josh, as usual, and Josh looked over at me and asked, "How did you grow up with this guy?!"