This totally stinks

I'm feeling angry. And heart broken. Frankly, this whole thing sucks.

This is not fair. It's not fair that a Mama and Daddy should have to bury their child. It's not fair that they would grow him and love him only to have him taken away. It's not fair that they should feel this much pain. It's not fair that I still have my baby and they don't. It isn't fair that so many people who have no business having babies and don't take care of them have babies and get to keep them and my sweet friends who loved and took such good care of their baby don't. I know life isn't fair, no one said it would be.

I pray that I can be the kind of friend Lindsay and Jeremy need. David and I went to visit with them and their families last night. Lindsay was so gracious. As we were leaving I told her I loved her and was here for anything she needed/wanted. She told me that she loved me too and then said "Please hug Joshua for me. And hug him for Ayden too. I'm so glad you have him because I know how much you wanted him and how much I wanted him for you." She is such a good friend. And that's a total understatement. I feel guilty, grateful, so so sad. I'm trying to not be consumed by all of this. Satan wants us to live with the fear of something bad happening to our baby. I REFUSE to do that. My God is perfect, all knowing, loving and alive. His plan is perfect and is what's best for us. It's my job to trust Him and follow His plan. And I will. Satan has no victory here.

My heart breaks for them both. I cannot imagine how badly they're hurting or the totally wide range of emotions they're feeling. I so wish I could take even just a little of the pain away, or give them some tiny bit of understanding as to why this had to happen. But I can't. I can only pray that they'll hold tightly to the Lord and to one another. I pray for their marriage. I pray for their siblings and parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone affected by this. I pray for their friends. That we can be the support they need. I have no idea how those who don't believe in the promise of Heaven and eternal life survive. How do those without a church family do it? I pray constantly for the Lord to return and take us all to be with Him forever. Wouldn't that be wonderful?!

I better get going. Jake will be here in a few minutes to spend the day with us. It will be a crazy day. My mama is coming around 1 to keep Josh while we go to Ayden's Celebration of Life service. We have to pick up Amber from the airport at 2 and then head over to the church building after that.

Coveting your prayers...

I would like to ask for you to pray for our dear friends, Jeremy & Lindsay. For whatever reason we won't understand on this side of Heaven, the Lord called their sweet baby boy home this morning. Ayden was only 4 months old. I cannot imagine what they are feeling and thinking. I only know that they need our love and support now more than ever. Please pray that they will have peace and comfort. Please pray that they will lean even deeper into the arms of Jesus as they grieve. Please pray that we, and their friends and families will support them in whatever they need. They will be going to the funeral home tomorrow (Wed) at 10 am to make arrangements. Please make a note for yourself to pray specifically for them at that time. Also pray for them in the weeks, months and years to come.

I am anxiously awaiting our Lord's return.

But I don't wanna go home!!!

Man, this week has gone by waaaay too quickly. It's not fair that vacation goes by so fast and every other week just creeps by. Oh well, I guess time does really fly when you're having fun. ;) And we have been having fun. Our family is funny. Not in a bad way. We're just funny. My Dad and Uncle Doug (Mama's brother) have been friends since they were kids. My Mama and Aunt Bonnie have been friends just as long. Friends married friends (a week apart!!) and I've had a lifetime of laughter ever since. Doug and my Dad are just crazy together. I joked with Bonnie that when we put those two in a nursing home, the staff will be calling us to come take them back!

And we'll now pause for a quick baby feeding session. ;)

Okay, that feeding session turned into a day or so. Oh well.

We're back home now. Josh has been sleepy this afternoon. I think the driving makes him a little sick to his tummy . He sleeps a lot after we make a long trip. We all took naps from about 3:30 till 7 and then Josh ate and went back to sleep. I'm not waking him for his bath. I'll just let him sleep. That will give me a chance to start laundry and put things away.

I didn't realize until we got home this evening that when you hold Josh's hands and pull him to a sitting position, he will stand up on his own!! Megan had been doing this with him all week but I thought she was pulling him up to standing. I can't believe it!!! I'm now in the market for an excer-saucer. :) I know he's young, but I think he'd enjoy hanging around in one. He's doing so much better with head control and it would be great practice for him. I have a feeling we'll be skipping the crawling stage (like I did) and go straight to walking. We took a video of him today "walking" down the hallway to David. If you hold his hands and stand him on the floor, he'll take steps like he's going somewhere. It's insane. Time to baby-proof the house!! :)

Alright, off to do more laundry and find something to eat. Our cupboards are so bare. We got milk and bread tonight and have a few things in the freezer we can scrape together.

Beach!!!

We're having a great time at the beach. I can't believe it's already Wednesday. :( I don't want to go home!!!

Josh has been a good boy. He LOVES the waves. We've all taken turns holding him and and walking in the surf. He like to watch the waves come in and out and gets testy when we walk back to the tent.

There's a sand bar or something here and a small dip in between the tent and the surf. The water pools there and is so warm. It's like bathwater. Josh loved it. He is learning to splash.

Sunday at church, Mom was holding Josh and she put her arm under his feet. He stood right up and grinned so big. He was so proud. Everytime he stands up now (which he thinks he can do on his own) he looks around to see who is looking. If we all cheer and make a big fuss over him he grins and acts proud.

We've had a great time of sweet fellowship with our family. Lots of laughter and new memories made. I'll hate to go home.

Praying....Beach....Praying AT the Beach!

First of all, I'm coveting your prayers for some friends of ours. Joshua's new friend, Savannah, is needing our prayers right now. So are her parents and the rest of their family. You can get more specifics here on her Mama's blog. I'm snuggling my Monster extra tight today. (I know most of the people who read my blog also read hers...but you never know and someone might randomly happen upon my blog and throw up a prayer. And one can never have too much prayer!)

Secondly, I'M GOING TO THE BEACH!!! Woo Hoo! I'm sitting in my parent's living room waiting for my guys to get up so we can get ready for church. We're going to the early service @ PHCC and then Mama has to lead songs during the 2nd service. We'll come back here to pack up the car and then hit the road.....as soon as Joshua says we can. He's in charge around here. ;) David has to work tomorrow and Tuesday but will be coming down after work and I can't wait! I LOVE the beach. I love everything about it. Yes, even all that sand! I'm hoping to update throughout the week.

Joshua has been extra sleepy the past few days. I'm not complaining, but it's a little worrying at the same time. I have no idea if it's normal. I'm assuming it is. Thursday night we went to bed at midnight (wasn't fussy...just wouldn't sleep!) and slept until almost 9. He ate, played a little and went back to sleep until 1! He took a little nap in the car around 6 and then was awake from 6:30 to 8:30. I had to wake him up at 7:30 yesterday morning!! I had already pumped a bottle once and was ready for him to eat again (if you ladies know what I mean! ;)) and he had no intentions of waking up any time soon. He ate and was back asleep by 8:30 and slept until 1pm. He was up for the rest of the afternoon. Only slept 30 min on the ride to Roanoke Rapids for dinner. He ate during our dinner and then went to bed at 9 and is still sleeping right now. I'm hoping he'll sleep well on the way to the OBX. It's a 3 hour drive and I don't want a repeat of our drive through PA. EEEEEKK! I have a few bottles ready to go and we can stop if we need to. We can't get in the house until 4 anyway. Sooo, for all you 'experienced' mamas out there....is it normal for him to be sleeping so much?! Is it a growth spurt or something?! He sleeps so much and eats about every 2 hours when he's awake. I guess he has to eat so often to make up for the meals he's missing by sleeping all night. He's been eating every 3-4 hours the past few weeks.

Ok, I'm off to get dressed for church and wake the boys. Keep praying for Savannah!!

I've gotten several comments on my last post...mostly about the part on breastfeeding. I had a chat with Tiffany, my cousin (who by the way is in Haiti right now - pray for her!) and I was able to get a few things off my chest. I don't have to be careful about how to word what I want to say with her; like I do on this blog.

Thanks ladies, for your encouragement. I've decided that from now on whenever CFL (crazy formula lady) asks me if I'm using formula yet I'm going to tell her "No, I've decided to breastfeed my baby. As his mother I know what's best for him. Breastfeeding works for us." I will kindly thank her for her concern and politely tell her to BUTT. OUT. :) She doesn't live in our home, or spend any time with my baby to know him like I do.

Laura: I agree with you; I think every mother should at least try. Women were made to feed their babies! I am an advocate of breastfeeding & encourage others to try it but don't think it's the only option by any means.

Lindsay: I really hope I NEVER, EVER made you feel bad for deciding to give Ayden formula. If so, please forgive me. I can understand your feelings about not liking it. I had such a hard time at first. I've cried lots of tears over this! The pain, frustration, time spent working on it. I have a great support system. And yes, Ayden is growing just fine!! :) If all our babies were the same we'd be so bored!!

Lauren: All that hooplah on Patrice's blog broke my heart. I can't imagine all she goes through in caring for Jonah and wouldn't dare tell her how to do it. I had someone I went to RBC with send me a message on FB after looking at my photos of Josh and not so kindly 'reminded' me that having Josh sleep on the boppy could cause him to smother to death. I chose not to respond. You can imagine how that could have turned out! ;) I imagine she would really freak out had she known he used to sleep WITH us in our bed. Two of her four children require special attention and I don't dare tell her how to manage her household. (and I'll take those alarm thingies! Thanks!)

Why can't women encourage each other in doing what works for them and their family?! It's disappointing.

Okay, I've ranted about this enough. No more blogs about it. ;)

Here's a little something to make up for having to read all that.

4 days and counting......

I'm going to start blogging more regularly again and just pretend that there wasn't a time when i went for weeks without writing. :)

4 days till we leave for the beach!! It will be our first vacation as a family of 3!!! I know Josh won't be doing much on the beach this year but I can't wait to put his little feet in the sand for the first time. When we went for Courtney's wedding we never took him out of the carrier during the wedding. I'm taking a blow-up bathtub that we borrowed from Emelie to use as a pool while we're there. He won't be doing much in it but since he's into taking baths now, maybe he'll tolerate splashing around a bit. I'm also excited to spend the whole week with lots of family. My Daddy, Mama, Granddaddy, Grandmom, Uncle Doug, Aunt Bonnie, Robert, Kate, Matt and Megan, David, Josh and myself will all be there for the week. We'll miss Tiffy, Chris and Beth!! I'll have to find someone to walk to the pier with me since Tiff's not coming. ;) We've rented 2 houses this year since all the Hand kids are married and require our own rooms. No more double bunk beds. :( The bigger house is right on the ocean!! And the other is directly behind it. Can't wait to have breakfast on the deck and watch the waves roll in. The houses are across the road from Kitty Hawk Kites and I think we already have plans to go get ice cream from over there. Lauren is coming next Friday to take some photos of the family. Mom has been wanting a portrait of all the "kids" since the boys got married last summer. We're all so busy and are on the go so much we still haven't gotten it done. If Lauren thought the photo shoot with the 3 of us was a trip, she's got a wild ride in store. I'm sure she'll have a few good stories to tell when she's done with the Hand Clan. :) Pray for her!! haha

I've made a list of everything I need to take to the beach. Geez...who knew one tiny person could require so much stuff?! :) I've already started packing the car up. I have most of it ready to go. I've even packed Josh's bag!

Josh had his first non-family babysitter Monday. Lauren (who was in our youth group @ Macedonia and lives 2 apartments down from us) came by to keep him. He slept the whole time! She was bummed but stayed around after I got home to play. He smiled and laughed for her. Such a sweet boy. Everyone has said just to hang tough until he is 3 months old and it will get better. They were so right. He's like a totally different baby! Not nearly as fussy, does much better in his car seat for longer periods of time (although I'm sure he thinks we're heading for NY again every time we put him in that thing!). He's been sleeping all night without being swaddled. It's been almost a week since I swaddled and bounced him to calm him down. He's taking baths like a normal baby, instead of insisting on a shower; and he's content just to hang out and splash around for a while. Tonight he stayed in so long he got all pruney! :) He's doing better with tummy time and prefers that David carry him around football style. I can't believe he'll be 3 months old Thursday. He's doing great. He's small for his age, but he's healthy and growing normally. His height and weight are about the same as far as percentages go so I've been told not to worry that he's getting enough to eat, or that he's behind. He sleeps through the night, he's happy and active. If he wasn't getting enough he wouldn't do any of that.


*steps onto soapbox*
I've had several people....women, in fact, ask me why I wasn't giving him formula because he is smaller than most babies his age. I'm sick of it. I decided before I was even pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed if I could. I know that some women can't. I totally understand their frustration. I've gone through a lot in just trying to keep breastfeeding for 3 months. But I feel that it's worth it and so I'm determined. I'm not anti-formula, really, I'm not. I realized that some mamas can't nurse, and some babies can't; for whatever reasons. That's why formula was made and it's wonderful that it's an option for those who need/want it. I don't want it or need it so leave me alone! :) Being asked over and over has made me question myself as a mother. Am I giving him enough to eat, should I at least supplement with formula, etc. Whatever a Mama's decision, she should be encouraged in that decision. I have friends who chose not to breastfeed and I never once asked them why or told them they were foolish or selfish. It's wrong for women to treat each other that way. *steps off soapbox* ;)

Lauren, who babysat Monday, had her apartment broken into. She didn't stay there Sunday night, and I'm glad she didn't. She didn't go by there before she came here yesterday either so she isn't sure when it happened. Between 10:45am Sunday and 12 pm Monday. We didn't hear or see anything and neither did the neighbors. They came in through the window in her guest bedroom. Just before Joshua was born, we had locks put on our windows. Before that, there weren't any. I've had to break in because I locked myself out before and if I can do it, anyone could. It's scary! Had it been our apartment, they would have come right in Joshua's room. It makes me sick just to think of it. I'm looking into some type of security system. Even if it's alarms on the windows and doors. I'd also like to get one of those arm things for the sliding door in our room. We should have done all this before now.

Josh has had lots of new friends born recently! He had a play date with Landon last week. He hasn't met Mia yet, but will soon. He met Savannah the day she was born and told me he thinks she's pretty....and she is. ;) He and his best buddy Ayden checked each other out last Sunday. It's so funny to watch two babies stare at each other.


I recently got a letter from my best friend in college, Mia. She's been married for a few years and I hadn't heard from her since before I got pregnant. Oddly enough, she had a baby girl March 11th!! We were both pregnant at the same time and didn't even know it! :) Baby Harley is just beautiful.

Josh is sleeping now so I'm off to bed too. I hate that we'll miss the meteor shower tonight. It's a tradition to watch it. Growing up we were always at the beach when it happened and Mama and Aunt Bonnie would fuss for us to go to bed, only to have Daddy and Uncle Doug wake us up at 1:00 am to go outside and see the meteors. :) It's storming here now so we'll miss it this year. It just wouldn't be the same without my brothers and cousins here anyway. Robert's in Raleigh, Matt's in Emporia, Chris is in Tennessee and Tiff's in Haiti. When did we all grow up and move away?! Sigh.....

Good night!