Joshisms

It's been a few months since I posted a list of the cute and clever things my kid says. So, to celebrate winter track-out, here's a fresh batch of Joshisms!

-- Wow! That must have been a big peach! (He thought this coconut was a peach pit)

-- Joshua: So, am I gonna go to that other gymnastics class?

Me: She put you on a wait list.

Joshua: What's that?

Me: It means that the class is full so you can't go. But if someone leaves the class, they'll see who is on the wait list and they'll let that person in the class.

Joshua: Oh.

*several minutes later*

Joshua: When she calls, I bet I'll weigh enough.

Me: It doesn't matter how much you weigh; she was asking me about your age, not your weight.

Joshua: I know, but it's a "weight list".

(English is hard, you guys!!)

-- Joshua found a book of knock-knock jokes on the bookshelf the other day and has been bugging us with (bad) jokes every day. He was reading them to me from the other room and after asking me one, I heard him say to himself, "I gotta remember that...", and quietly repeated the joke.

-- Me: Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

Joshua: Yea, maybe.

Me: (thinking he had said 'Yea baby') Don't say that to me! In fact, don't say it to anyone!

Joshua: I didn't say anything!

Me: Yea, baby?!?!

Joshua: NO! I said, 'Yea maybe'...Baby?? That would just be weird!

-- Joshua: Mom, is dinner almost done?

Me: Not quite. The rolls will take about 25 minutes.

Joshua: What else did you make?

Me: Oh, tonight, we feast! I made meatballs, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and rolls.

Joshua: 25 minutes for all that?? It's worth it!

-- While looking at a photo of Mario & Luigi: "Mom, is that Mario and Lemony Slick?"

-- Me: You ready, Freddy?

Joshua: I was always ready! My last name is ready!

-- Joshua; Dad.

David: What?

Joshua: Your butt, b-u-t-t...is ba-ouncy!

-- "Deck the halls of jolly holly..."

-- "You half scared me to death!"

Joshisms

-- Joshua: Snuggle with me!

Me: No, not tonight.

Joshua: But you haven't snuggled with me in years!

-- I took a bad fall at school and bruised my back and butt. I kicked/tripped over Joshua's stool in the kitchen a few days later. 

Me: Ugh!! I'm determined to kill myself this week. It's gonna happen. 

Joshua: Noooo! I don't want you to die. You're too young to die!! 

-- Ooh! Expanded form...I LOVE this! 

-- Joshua had a substitute two days one week. On the way home from school he said, "I hope Mrs L is back tomorrow because I'm over this substitute thing!"

-- We saw a flock of little birds fly over one evening and I wondered out loud where they were going. Joshua piped up, "Maybe they're hibrating. Hibrating? No, hibernating!!"

-- Upon seeing a baby picture of himself:

Joshua: Wow! That must have been a long time ago. 

Me: It was! It was 7 years ago. You were 3 months old. 

Joshua: Oh man, you've had me for a long time! 

-- While reading a book about dinosaurs: Supersaurus wore his shades to school. Yea, he was super....supersaurus! 

-- Joshua: Can we watch "Back To the Future"? 

David: You sure? It's an old movie. Like 30 years old.

Joshua: Is it in black and white?

-- After finally losing all of his loose teeth and being able to bite a sandwich again:

Oh man, I haven't eaten like this in years!!

-- While playing basketball: Airballs are really hard. I've done it like ten times in one game and won!

Joshisms

-- I was trying to talk David into cooking some fried rice and he wasn't having it. I thought I could sway him if Joshua was on my side:

Me: J, do you want some fried rice?

J: No! I don't want dried rice!

-- Joshua went outside to get something from the sandbox but came right back in. I asked if he had changed his mind. He replied, "The chickens are having a girls day over there." (Petrie sometimes chases him, so he avoids her when he's alone.)

-- "I'm gonna help Dad clean out the garage. And when we get done with all that business, I'm gonna play with him."

-- Joshua was playing a game with Grammy and had to draw an item listed on one of the playing cards. His item was a fork. He drew a fork with three tines and then said that because it only had three, it should be called a "thork". 

-- David was talking to a co-worker on the phone about work stuff and was using work jargon, which sounds like greek to us. Joshua looked at me and asked, "How do they know this stuff?"

-- After watching Toy Story 3: "Does Buzz *ever* take his suit off?!"

-- Me: Sing a song from your play to Grammy.

Joshua: One small voice, singing....that's all I've got.

-- Me: Joshua, go get the sunscreen out of my bag, please. 

Joshua: *gets the sunscreen* Mom, you're not 50. You can't use this. It says 50 plus. 

Me: Hah! That's the SPF, not who's allowed to use it. 

-- Mom, can we watch Alice and the Wonderland?

-- This ranch dip is off the line!

-- Me: We have so much to do tomorrow!

Joshua: Like what?

Me: Go through all these old clothes, finish laundry, start packing for the beach...

Joshua: Make a secret plan to steal Dolly...

*looks at Poppa & Grammy* Well, I guess it isn't a secret anymore! 

-- Joshua: *singing* Who, who, who let the dogs out? Now you go, Mom.

Me: Who let the dogs out? We used to sing that in high school because we were the Brunswick Bulldogs. 

Joshua: Bwunsick, Bunswick...I can't say that. Brunsick, Brunsrick, Brunswick...there it is! Brunswick Bulldogs. 

-- Mom, I don't have any flip in my flip flops! Guess they're just flops. 

-- Me: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Joshua: The egg. 

Me: But how did the egg get here if there was no chicken to lay it?

Joshua: The chicken, then!

Me: But how did the chicken get here if there was no egg to hatch from?

Joshua: A mama chicken and a Dada chicken fall in love, and they put their butts together and make an egg and the mama chicken drops it out and it makes more chickens. 

Me: Is that how chickens make more chickens? 

Joshua: I don't know how they do it. I don't know that much about chickens. Just that they peck a lot and they make eggs. 

Joshisms

-- We saw a lizard on our front porch. Joshua screamed, "It's an iguana!"

-- Me: Catch the lizard, Josh!

Joshua: I need a pot!

-- Joshua got a stuffed cat and mouse from our most recent trip to Ikea. He named the mouse "Ratty Mo' Fatty."

-- Joshua: What does the cow say when it's riding it's horse across the road?

Me: I don't know, what does the cow say?

Joshua: "Moo-ha!" 

-- Mom, who do you think is the best in this family? Except for me, who's the best? You or Daddy?

-- Joshua's story at school for this week was Cinderella. He's read it several times and said, "I'm thinking something weird happens because everything disappears at midnight except the shoes." 

-- You know how you have water on your face and then it disappears? It's evaporating. Into a cloud. 

-- Joshua: Dad, you remember that movie we watched about the rocket that goes to space and something happens and they're stuck there but then they come home?

David: Apollo 13?

Joshua: Yes! Can we watch the first one?

-- Joshua: *singing* Bare acessanees

Me: It's "Bare Necessities". 

Joshua: What does necessities mean?

Me: Needs

Joshua: *singing* Bare needs...bare needs. 

-- Angie: Next Sunday is Mother's Day, so you and your Dad need to make a plan for your Mom. Take her breakfast in bed and buy some flowers and she's in charge all day.

Joshua: Can I have breakfast in bed, too?

Angie: Take breakfast to your Mom and then you can all eat in bed together. 

Joshua: Yes!! When is Son's Day?

-- Joshua was talking about something gross and he said, "That gives me the jiggles!" (He meant willies.)

-- I let Joshua scrape the bowl after making cupcakes. I asked, "Best day ever?" He replied, "YOU'RE the best day ever."

-- David: Come look at the moon.

Joshua: Oh wow! It's a crust moon!

Me: A crust?

Joshua: Yea, a crust moon. 

Me: You mean a crescent moon?

Joshua: haha, oh yea, a crescent. 

-- Joshua: Blood is a liquid because it takes the shape of whatever it's in. 

Me: Yes, that's right. How do you know that?!

Joshua: From school!

Me: Are we liquids?

Joshua: No, people are solids. Except Grammy. She's not a solid.

Me: Then what is she?

Joshua: She's a delicate flower!

-- My brother, Robert, and his family came over for dinner the other night. Dude

(as Joshua calls him) was picking on Josh, as usual, and Josh looked over at me and asked, "How did you grow up with this guy?!" 

Joshisms

-- After getting just a light dusting of snow: 

Me: Did you see the snow?!

Joshua: Ugh...salt's more like it.

-- Joshua: I only know a few names from Harry Potter.

Me: Oh yea? Like who?

Joshua: Harry Potter, Ron, Hermione, and Mouth Boy. 

Me: Mouth Boy??

Joshua: Yea. He talks a lot. Like blah blah blah. So they call him Mouth Boy.

Me: It's Malfoy. 

Joshua: Oohhhhh.

-- Joshua: What's an accent?

Me: It's when a person talks differently than you. Like Harry Potter has a British accent because he is from Britain. 

Joshua: And that candy lady we ate lunch with?

Me: What candy lady?

Joshua: G'ma's friend, that ate lunch with us.

Me: Gelly? Gelly-bean? (Her name is Magella but we call her Gelly-bean.)

Joshua: Yea, her. She talks like Harry Potter. 

Me: Yes, she has a British accent. 

-- I put the chickens in the dog crate in the garage while we were under tornado watches and warnings:

Joshua: Why are the chickens so fussy?

Me: Because I put them in the garage. 

Joshua: Well, have they watched the weather yet?! 

-- We had a picnic at the church building and then Joshua rode his scooter around the parking lot before Bible study. As we were walking into the building, he said, "Thanks Mom, I enjoyed that." 😍

-- Me: Daddy's home.

Joshua: Before us?!

Me: Yep. 

Joshua: That little stinker! 

-- Joshua: I wish I had a chain necklace. And a chain bracelet. 

Me: Oh yea?

Joshua: Yes. And basketball shoes. 

Me: Okay, who in your class has those things?

Joshua: Mr. D. (One of the TAs for 1st grade)

-- Joshua: What does that little R on that sign mean?

Me: It stands for "registered."

Joshua: What does that mean?

Me: It means no one else except for Chick-fil-A can use the name Chick-fil-A. 

Joshua: Oh. But it should be a U. For "Used".

Joshisms

-- Maybe Yoda does yoda. Because his name is Yoda. (He means yoga.)

-- David: Who is your mother and where did she come from?!

Joshua: Um...she is a Earthling. 

-- Me: Josh, who is playing football now?

Joshua: Picksburg and Dinner. 

Me: Are you sure that's right?

Joshua: Daddy said it was Picksburg and Dinner! (Pittsburg and Denver)

-- Me: Look outside and see if it's snowing.

*He goes to the front door and struggles with the lock.*

Me: You could just look out through the window.

Joshua: I like to do it the old fashioned way. 

-- Do mongooses say 'moo' instead of 'honk'? 

-- Joshua: It's almost Spring because that groundhog didn't see his shadow. Even the one in Transylvania says it will be Spring.

Me: Transylvania?! 

Joshua: Yes. It's far away from where we live. 

Me: Are you sure it's Transylvania?

Joshua: Mrs White said big-name something something ground hog lives there.

Me: Pennsylvania. Punxsutawney Phil is in Pennsylvania.

Joshua: Oh! Is it scary there?

-- Today at recess, I was playing tag and tripped and fell down but a little kid was in front of me and I accidentally knocked him down. I fell all the way down the hill! When I got up, I said, "You okay, bud?" He said, "Yea."

-- Joshua saw a photo of me at Disney World when I was a little girl:

Josh: Mom, is that you?!

Me: Yes! Grandaddy & Grandmama took me to Disney when I was little. 

Josh: Man, that castle is really old!

Me: 😑

Josh: Whaaaaat?!?

-- Me: Joshua, tell Daddy who that lady in Target said you were dancing like.

Joshua: Cam Mutant (Cam Newton)

-- Joshua asked David to sleep with him while we were at Claire's house. David went to get in bed and this is what I heard from the other room.

Joshua: You're sleeping in your UNDERWEAR?!?!

David: I had planned to, yes. Is that okay with you?

Joshua: Eew! Are you SERIOUS?!!

David: Yes! 

Joshua: Grown-ups these days! 

-- While painting the kitchen: 

David: Let's get some music going! 

Joshua: Yea!!!! Play Brown Mars! That one's my favorite! (Bruno Mars)

End of the Year Interview - 2015

1) What is your name? Joshua

2) When is your birthday? May 13

3) What is your favorite color? Blue. Tar-heels blue

4) What is your favorite toy? My light saver (light saber)

5) What is your favorite food? Ice cream. What about "real" food? Mozzarella sticks

6) What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

7) Who is your teacher? Mrs White

8) Who is your best friend? Tyler

9) What is your favorite song? Nothing Can Ever Separate Us (Nothing Ever Could Separate Us - Citizen Way)

10) What is your favorite book? The Kissing Hand

11) What was your favorite part about last year? Going to Disney World (Technically, that trip was a 2016 trip, but we'll let it slide. ;))

12) What are you looking forward to this year? Playing in the snow

Joshisms

-- Me: What kind of cereal do you want?

Joshua: Fruit Toodles....Toodle Fruits. The kind with marshmallows in it.

Me: Lucky Charms?

Joshua: That's it!

-- Joshua: Remember when you were a kid and Grandaddy would say, "I wouldn't go down there if I was you." because he thought there was a man with a bloody axe down there?

Me: Yea. He was just tricking us. 

Joshua: Was the axe bloody from chopping off heads?

Me: I don't know why it was bloody. 

Joshua: Well, I can't ask him now. Because he's dead.

Me: When you get to Heaven you can ask him.

Joshua: Yep. Maybe Grandmama knows. I'll ask her.  

-- While throwing the frisbee with David: Dude, I'm not a professional! 

-- Brains taste like memories. 

-- Me to David: You're so smart. 

Joshua: He's been in high school...

-- Joshua pushing his way past me- 

Me: Excuse me son, am I in your way?

Joshua: Ha! Kids this day....

-- A commercial on TV said, "Thank you to moms everywhere...."

Joshua said, "Thanks, mom!"

-- Me: Robert told me to let him know and he would put the new brakes on for us. But I told him I didnt want to waste part of his day off, etc. and he was like, "It's not a big deal. Just let me know."

Joshua: Who said that mean thing to you?

Me: Dude. 

Joshua: Well, he's just a sassy-pants! 

-- Joshua: Mom! These rabbits turn white in the winter! That's crazy!

Me: Why do you think God made it so they would turn white?

Joshua: Because the snow is white.

Me: And why is it important that they match the snow?

Joshua: So other snow animals can't see them. Like snow foxes and snow snakes. Well, not snow snakes. That's not real.